


The Epic Limerick from Heck (Pilot, part One)

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Episode Related, Filk, Gen, Humor, Poetry, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-25
Updated: 2000-04-25
Packaged: 2018-11-10 19:05:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: A cruel, heartless Muse forced a normally sober fanfic writer to translate the plot of the Due South pilot into limericks.





	The Epic Limerick from Heck (Pilot, part One)

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Epic Limerick from Heck

Title: The Epic Limerick from Heck (Pilot, part One)  
Author: Melanie M  
Rating: G

 

The Epic Limerick from Heck 

  
(Pilot, part One)  
By Melanie Mitchell  
   
   
A Mountie was shot in the snow,  
In the very first scene of the show.  
His son crossed the pass,  
To avenge some dead bass,  
Even though it was fifty below.  
  
"Your father was shot by mistake,  
By hunters, just west of the lake.  
Now I know that you're mad,  
and you're grieving for Dad,  
You'll feel better, Ben, after the wake."  
  
The crime scene was really a mess,  
The herd had twelve caribou less  
than before. Then some clues,  
Like the prints from the shoes,  
Proved the killer was from the U.S.  
  
Ben asked Gerard, "Please, for a transfer--  
Don't give me a negative answer!  
Though assignments too urban  
I once found disturbin',  
You can't stop me getting my man, Sir."  
  
He shortly arrived at O'Hare,  
(Air Canada carried him there).  
He quarantined Dief,  
Donated dried beef,  
and saved thirty dollars cab fare.  
  
He gave Ray a nasty surprise,  
Exposing entrapment and lies.  
He then met his boss,  
His colleague was cross  
while she gave him his office supplies.  
  
Ann said, triumphantly, "Fine!  
I hope you possess a strong spine.  
Six hours or more  
at the consulate door,  
Will teach you that this job is MINE!"  
  
Ray laughed at a constable who is  
alert, at attention, but clueless.  
He chortled with glee,  
Said, "Are you kidding me?  
Do they actually pay you to do this?"  
  
Ray admitted his error and said,  
"I am sorry; my face is quite red.  
Had I not checked your list,  
then I just might have missed  
that one of your dentists is dead."  
  
Ben's courtesy proves that he cares.  
(Ray thought Ben was putting on airs.)  
"Politeness from cops  
takes one second, tops.  
We'll just have to climb up the stairs."  
  
They questioned the Doc with the beaver  
concerning the dental deceiver.  
The pic gave a clue,  
'Cause Ray thought he knew  
a crook with the very same sneezer.  
  
Ray said, "This is not a mistake,  
That nose is on one Francis Drake.  
He likes to cause harm,  
He broke his wife's arm,  
He's your man with the gun at the lake."  
  
Ray wanted to follow the lead,  
But Ben had more pressing need.  
"Dief waits in despair,  
In a cage at O'Hare,  
His time's up. He wants to be freed."  
  
The Mercedes was parked near the bar,  
Dief followed, but didn't get far.  
Those kids-- Benny paid 'em,  
Ray couldn't dissuade him,  
They were already watching the car!  
  
The bartender said with a frown,  
"You're not welcome in this part of town."  
Ray replied, "What's the use?  
I'll just sing like a moose,  
And my buddy'll break the door down."  
  
"AHEM! May I have your attention?  
Thank you! Now let me just mention  
that my purpose is clear,  
For as long as I'm here,  
I'll engage in some weapons retention."  
  
Although Benny spoke with conviction,  
The atmosphere had too much friction.  
Every gun in the place  
was in Benny's face,  
"Hey! Dudley's got no jurisdiction!"  
  
Ben was in an awkward position,  
But Dief helped his plan to fruition.  
Then Ray made his point,  
While Drake shot up the joint,  
"Do Canadians use ammunition?"  
  
Drake left Ben and Ray standing flat,  
Then told a conspirator that,  
"My fee is now double,  
'Cause now I've got trouble,  
And trouble is wearing a hat."  
  
The Captain was truly nonplussed.  
"Detective, you screwed up this bust.  
Your priority base is  
those forty-one cases  
on your desk that are gathering dust!"  
  
Ben apologized kindly to Ray,  
and then generously offered to pay  
for a phone call. He found  
that the caribou drowned,  
Then he quietly went on his way.  
  
Ray contemplated Ben's mood,  
He's one very unhappy dude.  
Now my limerick is done,  
For all of Part One,  
Except for this: To Be Continued. . .  
  
Author's disclaimer: The presence of the words "to be continued" does  
not represent a warrantee on the writer's part to produce additional  
limericks. In fact, the unhinged muse that inspired this bit of insanity  
(or is in inanity?) has not seen fit to show here face around my home  
since this 22-verse epic was completed. If she does show up again, I  
may just have to shoot her with a big gun.

Melanie.m@erols.com


End file.
